Women, Do You Think You Are The Real Victims?

I feel like alienated whenever my friends talk about marriage, love, children, and that stuffs. It is not my concern on how women suppose to engage with motherhood therefore they can maintain their life and marriage easily. I don’t say that I do make a sound that I don’t want to get married, yet the fact I don’t want to have a child.  Most of them say that it is useless to have higher education by continuing their study to the higher level such as getting master or even doctoral degree. They think that women were actually born not to be well educated, but to be good mothers and wives instead. I was shocked. I couldn’t help hiding the disappointment on my eyes at that time even though I decided to be silent and say no word. It was the toughest thing I’ve barely done: trying to say no word at all even when there’s something wrong happens.

I know that we live among patriarchal system which places femininity a way lower than masculinity. The masculinity traits exist from time to time as something that should be fiercely upheld. On the other hand, the femininity traits are seen as something lame, something incomplete. I remember the story about Adam and Eve. Eve is believed to be created because of being completed by Adam: that God used one of Adam’s ribs to create Eve. The story became funny jokes among society between men and women and the most popular one among that is the joke about how men (Adam) keep looking for their ribs (Eve) as the representation of their mates. Additionally, it is also said that women are incomplete without being guided by men because their ancient (Eve) was created by a part of men (Adam). That kind of jokes still exist till now and I think in this case it holds the hugest effort to enhance the patriarchy.

The saddest part is that mostly women don’t realize that they are the real victims of patriarchy though they are even proud it! They are competing with each other to become good women based on that patriarchal standard such as “I want to be a good wife and mother in the future therefore I should domesticate myself. I should be able to cook and do chores well. I should not be exposed publicly: that I have to deal with private matter.” Or even the worst one could be “I shouldn’t gain higher degree, I shouldn’t have high education, I shouldn’t be more open-minded towards other things therefore men will not be ashamed to get close to me. Because the nature of men is to be dominant so we only have to let them be so.”  How pathetic!

There came a time when I had a chit-chat with my friends in dormitory. They were busy talking about their dreams of having children, responsible husbands, and all the things they want to achieve in life. I was so judgemental thinking that their achievements were not something essential to ace although I didn’t say anything and kept listening to their conversations. Out of the blue, one of my friends asked me about my dreams and ideals as a 20-year-old woman. I simply said that I didn’t want to get married if I could, and I didn’t want to have children. I told them that I could afford anything I want and I wanted to achieve anything I could. I explained them that my dreams were beyond the common dreams they could ever thought.

They said that I was crazily insane. They told me not to be so because of some cliche reasons. First, I was born to be completed by man (back to the story about how Eve should be completed by Adam). They said that I was a woman and woman apparently couldn’t survive all alone. Second, they said that I shouldn’t be dominant towards men. They blamed my manly figure for being too dominant and independent, as the reason of all the stupid breakups I’ve had. They told me that men were born to protect woman and I should be less powerful than them. Men were born to rule, to be the first, and I shouldn’t let them lose. The last, they said that the nature of women were to be good mothers and wives. Instead of gaining higher educational degree, it’s better for me to learn how to do chores and take care of my family well. I was trapped in a never-ending debate arguing on how they should let me be what I want. I don’t want them to be like me, neither do I want them to follow my way of life. I truly appreciate them and their decision to be obedient with common norms. I just want them to have understanding regarding to my decision to be like this. It is just simple.

So, I can conclude in the end that mostly women think that they were born to fulfill the standard of being good women adhered by society. There are some kind of roles divided between man and woman yet I keenly believe that most of the roles are only advantageous for man. As far as I know, I am always blamed for being too manly. My mom told me not to express myself freely. She told me to deliberately say things and words and not to be more powerful and stronger than men. Again, she said that an elegant woman should keep having good manner: to be more patient, to be more quiet, to be more obedient, and so on, and so far. Men crave for elegant women therefore I should transform myself to be capable enough to attract men. On the other hand, men seem free to do what they want. They’re free too rule just because they were born as men. They’re dominating women in every aspect especially in determining decision.

This situation eventually leads to the stereotypes grown among society. Women are believed to be less capable to think objectively because they are very emotional, on the other hand men are believed to be more objective because they are rational. In addition, women are obliged to be neat, tidy, calm, and patient, meanwhile men are obliged to be confident, strong, and wise. This occurs misogyny among the society and as far as I’ve observed, women are the real victims of all this. But, most of them don’t realize that they are victims because they enjoy and implement that in their life. They prolong the existence of patriarchy as long the misogyny and masculinity as performs of their achievement in life. I am not that much disappointed with them, yet I somewhat regret their decision to giving themselves up to patriarchal system. I put my biggest faith on how woman could develop themselves more, on how woman could be that much powerful to stand along that they don’t need to be completed by men, even living under their shadows! I believe that people were born to be equal whether they are men or women, that they deserve to be objectively seen as the same exact creature who have the same capability and trait. I always keep on believing that everyone can be anything despites the gender he or she has. I hope all women know and have the same understanding as mine, that we’re products of patriarchy, and we need to stand for our liberty.

Purwokerto, April 6 2016

A.